With a candle in my hand...

Now the depression sets in,
The year marked will be let go,
There have been no remains in my thoughts
A beautiful relation will soon disappear
And no one will complain.

The pain comes now and again,
This voyage will be guided by a star
But this is what never asked him to be
I just wanted him to be with me when this comes

Sometimes I ask, sometimes I just let the pain,
Like an open wound it bleeds, I say its gone
I say it wouldn't bother me but the truth is,
I rather let it not be talked of.

To think what time, I have had with him
To relationship I never took time enough to be given much thought
The negativity brought through the happenings
I wish I had more time and I wish things weren't this way

To be friend, to be someone I could call on
And now when the merry wishes pour in
I wish I could send him one too and to have with him a cake
But now it lies there, I desire not single piece
I desire not a single sweet.

I hide my face, I disguise, I show the strength that I am supposed to
But somewhere deep inside the memories cry
I hate to say, to unearth these feelings but the sing to me
Like a sad lullaby and there is no comfort that could justify this
The hate, the love, the melancholy
All now seems now to be a lesser emotives
Against the feeling that lies buried inside

I lay by the year end, all these memories in my bagpack
I take it outside, bury them,
Cause there is nothing left to be done
There is no hope, no faith just the burning inside
And to whom would I ask a why?
ANd to whom will I question this about this mask?
To whom can I say, to bring back the past..
To meet him once, to bid him farewell
TO have have a chance to light a candle on diwali,
To give him a gift him a cake this Christmas...

There is but a silence to this
There is but darkness at the end of the line
There but me standing here praying to him, with a candle in my hand....

The long lost ....

Once upon a time, I met a sage with white brows and yellow eyes.

He came with no intent and told me nothings of my concerns

It was said, I once was lost and now I am found and lo! It happened again

It had been long since I had left those days, when things were unconditional

Since long I have been in this asylum, since long this had been my home

It’s in the way that we live makes me believe, that there are other things to die for

Constantly we work or way away from the way of life worth living,

And young sage told me this tale once again, brought me back to the feeling

That these says the media sells, the youth boasts it has in its peak

The parents say when they see their children walk off looking for adventure

The youthful eyed sage, played his tricks on me this time

Played with me, and turned me into a kid, brought me back some old memories

Would cushion sleep under my arms, sleep next to me when he felt alone

I never understood what it showed; I never understood what it told me until

The moment comes.

The knowledge of the true value of a person is known

Only in his void that it creates, and then at this moment when it comes

To know the true intensity of care you have, to hear a single sound from him

A single eye glances to know that it had been worth to be their presence

For the given time and circumstances, is to know that the best way to say

I would like to be with you forever, here and now, forever stuck here

Is to say I love you

And sometimes, in this time you witness a miracle of experiencing in a single second

The feeling of being a human, as an entity that brings in all the experiences

From birth till death, a feeling of being a father and a son, a youth and a rusted sun

All at the same time and space, where you are but bound to be lost, within and without

It said that there are moments which makes us believe, that this is worth living for

Unfair

Sometimes what you feel is something so intense

that writing it down is the only relief in this pain

And no sooner that this is done, I know the pain is gone

But then your life becomes a public show, a shows grand finale

And there is a cheer in the crowd who sees you like this

Naked, resting in your own thought, a thousand flowers

Fall from the sky of sympathetic eyes.

Sometimes I let go, I try to feel nothing that comes my way

Loneliness, the blandness, the insecurites take me off route

I leave for the day, take an off and there is nothing

That would interest me more than the past of happenings

My saddened heart, my dry eyes look for them but alas

Those days seem to have gone, I am sure....

I am in the same place and yet everything seems different

Its sometimes almost like as if life been unfair with my case

Even on giving me my share, it took my interest from it

Sometimes even in having I feel I have lost everything

Its this sense of unbelonging that brings me onto the same things

LIfe's been really been unfair, I have always lost

Lost even in my losing my friend, lost in even winning.

The Begining At His End

I have been in hope for long and then I think it time to let go cause I want to be here and not in a dream now. Its not an experience that I have gone through before but some things are inevitable. Of all the losses we have shared and of all the victories, this has been the one that comes with the depth and expanse that I cannot estimate.

There is more than what you can say about him, his work and his way of life. I have been like a constant one who knew a lot that went through him passively though, and knowing this was his way out of a lot of his problems I didn't expect his to happen. I have always been not really not in appreciation of his way of life but I guess I would have always been around for him and he knew that.

Browsing through his account, I see his expectation from me to be his best friend and I know my from the comment I left just 10 days ahead, asking "my dearest friend to call me up cause its been long that I had heard from him"..... I guess I still thought that at his hour of need, I will there for him. Never did I think that at hour would be so grave.

Life comes with its set of surprises and things that I wouldn't hardly have expected and with each I am moved from what I had never expected to happen. This time it was a bit of an irony ,cause when his time came I was on a train journey that I was wishing for three months now and I was happy and to gain the full fruit of the happiness I reach my destination and the first friend, I come in touch with and share a hug tell me the sadness that has been there all throughout my happy journey. It was as if this was the price of coming here. By the time, I stepped into my house, the cremation had been done. A friend was gone, silently and peacefully without a word to anyone, quite unlike him to do that. The smallest thing he would make, be it a photograph or a portfolio or anything like that, he would make it look like the greatest thing people would ever see, then why does he exit so silently...

Though we all wish this was a silly prank, we would all like to forgive him for doing this but the realisation is slowly sinking in and it cannot be more painful that this. Bit by bit, we realise what this means. Bit by bit, I too realise what it is to lose a friend.

Though the thought doesn't come to me this often, but when it does, it brings with it all the things I have shared with him. Or rather all the things I had the honour that he shared with me.

Goodbye Kshtij and his magic camera

www.kshitijgujral.info

Redemption

Tell me a story about the time when we were young

Sing me a song, that would remind me of the days

That went by under the lazy sun, with a smoke

The time when my eyes, had a shine of youth

Made me think, made me believe a difference was brought from us

The daily work, the short days, I lose my months

And there is no sign of the one lost in those moments

The one that brought me to think I am the one

The role, the responsibilities, the task and prioritisation

I am now a list of to-do's, cross checking myself

And what already done.

Once the wind used to tell me tales, the ones I like to hear

About maybe a lovers start or maybe the a mountain peak

Once in a while, I think I am on my way so I don't see

But mostly, I lay unconvinced, cause deep within

The rebellious boy stands in awe that today there is

No attention given to him

In the sound of the wind, I hear myself sometimes

The faint sound of laughter, kisses my ear and I turn back

To see a time, gone by and I am lost in wonder

I blink, I rub my eyes and its vaguely disappears

And smile slips on to me as I walk to the new direction found.

We are all one

I was trying to define what life in itself meant. When the idea came to me like this. The sea being the mother of us, in unity, whole and complete. It hold us till we break in the dance of life, forming a wave. The expression that the waves creates forms our identity and for a time we all think that this is it until the waves begins to fall and we realise the inevitable. That we are one.

That is to say that we think we exist as a separate being. Here I am logically not saying that one wave is or cannot be better than the other. But what I am saying is that, in the long run we are all the same people. We just repeated coming out and going back to the source. This means that what we define as ourselves is an inevitable feature of being us as a race too.

Come to think about it, even when we do we still consume the elements of life to keep us connected throughout cause as soon as we disconnect from the elements we lose life in itself as life comes from the being and disconnect from it, annihilated us. Elements we consume in the form of food from the earth, oxygen from the air, water and heat from the fire.

The youth at the point is then the peak time of the waves where it forms and shows off the beauty of the living species. This is where we say life is like cause we are at the peak. And then we gradually come back to the source. In life, is just an expression of something that is there for a moment and then it fades off. What maybe we should realise is that the beauty of life is in the expression of it in the fullest and when that comes I think all things should come back to being what we are.

Cause in the end, are all one but now in life, we need to express ourselves cause when we do our own thing, we should be the best in it. The society that we have built is against this individualism and it brings a very this idea of expression to a stop.

I was just talking to someone about this. How I have been very passive about all the people that have come into my life and sometime when I was, I wrote a few lines. Sometimes in life, I have done things in life that I felt I did cause maybe no one told me that it was supposed to be done in some other way. For long, too I thought that someone has to tell me or maybe I have to see it first, but in the long run I realised, some things comes only once and if I keep on with my practise of learning only after failing I am bent to loose out on loads ....

Memories like a wind chime ring

Sound the sweet call of my heart's hymn

Lonely roads and faded pictures colours my life again

When I look on to the faded canvas

In my shelf of my life

Packed and piled, stacked and dusted

There they neatly lay

But the fast paced time, never let me lay

My hands on you twice

I could though, take an off

From my daily route someday

Off the main road to the beach

Lay still in reminiscence

Ans let your magic sink into me again

As the dusk sun, colours the rich facade of the sky

Or maybe, I'd just walk to you again,

And say a, 'hi !'

And fall in love with you, all over again

.....

Now that the memories have faded out, like a old thought shelfed over a book pile, once in a while I look at them, once in a while I let me roam in them... now it seems like a dialog with the memories, the pictures and the places that we have been together... with the silly laughs, the sleepless nights out in the rain, the writing on the desk... the scribbling in my notebook....

Now the pictures seems to have an echo trapped .. i hear them laughing, enjoying with each other, dancing the dance of freedom.. and how i wish i was them, how i wish to committing this sin to bringing you back into my memory again ..to let go of the secret anthem that we all miss.. cause somewhere deep within there is an person missing his friend....

Now we know the price of heavy friendship... we know how this would have otherwise have been... a phone away am i friend but the awkwardness begins.. the otherwise friendly talk is now too much of a tension to be in... My prioritisation leads to me to different paths again...

I would say now, “whats the loss?”, I would say I will take this in a positive way.. will not think on it, move on like we all said we will.. like a simple replacement or a comprised situation we will deal this too away.. like it has always been ...

Then one day over the road crossing i might meet you again, with a toddler next to you or maybe two.. the crystal tear in your eyes will i see.. remembering, talking i might leave you off after a while ... but trust me, my whole week, my thoughts will be of this now and then.. cause maybe you never noticed... i have always been your friend....

Random

14 September 2010

Love's a luxury that only a few can afford.

20 may 2010
I dont know what is the best thing in life, finding the thing you are looking for or when it finds you searching for it

11 april 2010
I have known you all along, but it is just that I have met you now

20th march 2010

the expression is always lesser than the thought ...

18th march 2010

the somethings in the middle of everything that creates a void that makes my everything crumble down to nothing, but then i hope nothing comes along sometime, and makes up everything back as if those somethings had never made my everything to nothing...

12 march 2010

from the ashes of the fall, the new season begins, i wish for something and something else begins, but then i know i am not in control, i never was, so i let myself be... and float over the sea that brings me to new places and i am always awed that the world takes me in her arms when i let go, it leads me to things i would never go when in control...

There is no death and no living, if today we are judging in the eyes of real or unreal it is because we think it exist, freedom lies in the thought that comes from neither....

Is there a self that is so me that I will not change a bit for the 'what if' possibility? I mean are you even sure, that you are completely your own thought, or that the possibility that are is actually something that might not become something new if not something better by a possible new experience....

Sometimes the most simplest of human experiences, like a smile can often lead to an relationship that cannot be estimated at first, but with patience and love all things do always come to something good.

Out of all that life has given me, in its abundance and scantily, the best have never valued themselves material gains nor against richly pleasure, they have always been the small amounts of time that came with the here and there, spent with people we call friends...

20th July 2009

I was trying to define what life in itself meant. When the idea came to me like this. The sea being the mother of us, in unity, whole and complete. It hold us till we break in the dance of life, forming a wave. The expression that the waves creates forms our identity and for a time we all think that this is it until the waves begins to fall and we realise the inevitable. That we are one.

Of all things...

Of all the things I have lost and found, nothing was more human than the first smile of a person on his introduction, and nothing was more bitter than to bid him farewell after long hours spent in build-up called friendship.

I whatever experiences that life has showed and what life has been through, I have only felt worse when it is a friendship at stake. Somehow i have given it, one major part of importance factor in my life. When look back, all the times that have gone, the most I have learnt is in a time when they have been there and when they have supported my cause. There is so much that you gain on the way with them it is hard to imagine a life without old friends.

I mean I am an open person. I would like people to explore the world, change aspects of their life once in a while to gain new things but to this sector, I will recommend only to keep on adding. Cause in the end, the ultimate question called life has never answered many of my questions still. It's been taken for granted that life just like that. But to whatever I know, one of the best things that life had to offer is friendship. And losing so many of my friends from after college has actually led to a depression. Once in while I turn back and I see them, sitting in some corner spots chatting, or standing and fagging, I almost lose control as to what I have to feel and what I shouldn't.

Life tell me that things have to move on but I guess this is a fight worth fighting for till you can. After all what is success, what is the peak of this life cause then at that moment, when you are there, I would like to turn back and see whose standing there at my success.I want a friend there. I want him there to smile back at me.

The best I can do for my friend, is to be his friend.......